Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Catching My Breath: Part 3- Frame of Mind
Given the opportunity to receive an organ transplant is half of the equation. The entire time while researching the possibility I was making myself very aware of what I was getting into. Time was of the essence but I had to look into many important aspects of the path I wanted to undertake. First of all, facing my own mortality was something that would change my views, constantly, although, I have to say I was never afraid to die I did think about it quite often. This subject was particularly hard to talk about with Heather; it broke my heart everytime and I would fall deeper in love with her. While doing a hypnotherapy session my teacher asked me that question and I explained to her that it was difficult for me to be afraid about death simply because I had not experienced it and that, when the time came, I would just move onto it as another chapter in my life or a time to travel as the Mayans would have considered.
To be honest, basically my brain could not register something that I had not experienced. I know you may think, well Rowan, you are crazy, you can't experience death; once you're gone you're gone. True and that's a fact, the point is that I was very much alive; I love my life and I wanted to keep on living so even thou I thought about death often some how I just new inside my time to move to that level was not to arrive yet; at least not now or until I had finished what I set out to do with my life. Living my dreams and on the way try to enable at anytime possible other people's dreams. Specially those of who I immensely love most; my family.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was not afraid of death myself but the reason why I thought about it so much was because of the things I would not had been able to do if I would die. It killed me to think I would not be able to see my daughter Kaya grow in to a beautiful woman and see her become her own person and see her living her dreams. It totally pissed me off to think about would I be death not to be able to enjoy the rest of my life with the most wonderful woman I had ever known. Heather and I have been married for 15 years. Our life have been so rich and we have had so many adventures and gone through so many things together,she is my best friend. At times I felt if that were to happen it was like I had been cheated. I thought of how we had built this amazing place in our hearts for each other and now what: I'm about to bolt......No way man; Heather to me had become more beautiful than ever, she is my soul mate and to add to the equation she's become so hot ( I have to say this is very important in a relationship; and she's all that) as the years have passed by again....no way Jose; I'm not ready to check out. I said to myself; dude dying its not an option here.
The second thing on my list was the complexity of the surgery. This was as incredible as it was scary but beyond that was Third; the wave of changes I would have to adjust my life to. The amounts of drugs I will have to be under for the rest of my life didn't come without a price; the side effects list was long overwhelming and at times certain. Loosing hair, tremors, swing modes, loosing a bit of sight but the big "C" (Cancer) pose the biggest treat; I mean I have already been dealing with Scleroderma; my autoimmune condition for 6 years and look where it had got me to. I could not possibly get a grip that if I could fix the problem I was in by going through the transplant that could put me be back at the beginning of another race for my life yet again. All in all after I would do the math, there was no a single excuse in my mind not to take my chances. It was all worth it; I wanted to live and the feeling of leaving this wonderful place I was in didn't set in my brain as a choice however; taking the risks did.
I read a couple books while I was getting worse by the weeks but one that really got my attention was Terry McBride's "The Hell I Can't"; the book was given to me by my dear friend Morita who herself was a believer that one can enable yourself to cure oneself. Terry's story was compelling and gripping, although different than my experience we shared a common ground. Our spirits and willingness(called stubbornness) would have so much to do with our drive and passion for life that it will serve us as the greatest vehicle for self discovery, curiosity and most importantly enabling us to create the conduit needed to move into and under take the biggest obstacles we were faced with. Regaining control of our bodies, mind and finding the tools to accomplish the ultimate goal. Contributing to the healing process; yourself. I had chose a completely western approach to under take my situation but I also new that that was only half of the ticket; I need it to play a roll within; be involved in the process and so I went on a quest to find my new "Frame of Mind".
Meditation, Affirmation, I started doing art, I started a blog to open myself to anyone that would read my notes, I had my friend Tyler come in once a week and fly me with Acro Yoga, massage to help my blood circulation and we would also do energy work; most importantly I never gave myself a break regardless that my capabilities were getting cut short. Mobility was very important to me and so I kept myself as active as I could rather than feeling down I went on a trip to finding beauty in everything, in every action and cultured the value of being at the moment. Then I started to focus on how soon I wanted this to happen; I new I had limited time and my body was working hard. I have had the chance to know how it felt to be fit and I new what being strong felt like. My body was going down but my mind had all this knowledge and even thou physically I could not perform the neurons in my brain that were designated for those tasks were still shouting commands at me. Rowan; you are on your way stay focus and visualize everything materializing in front of your eyes; I would say this to myself everyday and especially during those 7 weeks before my transplant. Things came to reality so suddenly I'm still processing the levels of complexity that has taken to come to this side of the road from where I was. At times when trying to explain this to people still seems very surreal or like it never happen. but I know where I was and where I'm now, my life has taken me to some amazing roller coasters but my new "Frame of Mind" has empower me beyond my wildest dreams. Life is so beautiful and when your mind has the capacity to soak it all in and you are ready to surrender you can realize that dreams do come true. You have to put your mind into it.
Please come back and check: Catching my Breath: Part- 4 Ready-Set-Go