Saturday, May 3, 2008

Am I Scared?

Dear Friends,

Lately as I slowly and fiercely bleed out who and where I'm today I have began to look at people differently. I'm not judging people or creating this vague understanding of who they are. I'm putting people in a open space. Not everyone feels confident enough at times to reveal their true self and believe me when I say it took a while for me to get where I'm. I have told you; at times I was so pissed off at the card I was dealt I would be in a funk for hours, and I'm not talking about James Brown funky, I'm talking about foul funky.

I would pull myself together, rewind my attitude and press play again. It took a minute for me to realize the amount of energy I was wasting and how inefficient my mind was working. When I when public and started to reach out to people; feeling vulnerable made me stronger and I now have an incredible balance.

Looking at people on an open space has giving me even more balance. As I started to get responses I started to pay attention and decided that no matter how they came into this new space I was in I was going to make sure I keep it open. I have found some of my friends or people have become distance, not present at all or become more present than ever.

I guess this are moments where these things resonate the most and in my case, it has been the goal not to expect everyone to feel the same but in one way create some awareness on how friendship impacts our lives and how the true value of reality can upset each individual perception and either makes you react or completely shut down. Understanding this has been amazing, specially now.

Wanting to write about this got fire started by a conversation with some people and friends, some who were interested in known if everyone I new had become aware of my situation and if they had contacted me. If I cared to hear from people or if I was scared. All of this I put in perspective and my answers were, no I did not care if people answered; my goal was to let everyone know where I was, open my space and let them know they were in my mind and not I'm not scared.

I'm going to ride this Jaw size wave like a champ until is over, stop swimming to reach the shore take a deep breath and go wow. Some of you may clap and cheer, some of you may had keep looking from the distance and say; the dude made it let's keep rolling. I know now life is made up as you go and everything you touch and come across becomes a part of it, that's what makes you who you are.

I'll have more updates in the weeks to come, so far I got nutting but sunshine!!

Peace, Rowan

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